Feelings and things

It’s been going on for weeks now, and I didn’t really want to talk about it with anyone. But it gets hard, you know? It gets really agonizing to bear that you have all these feelings and things you just want to let go off, but can’t because of feelings and things. And on most days, I doubt myself. Maybe that’s the problem. I doubt myself so much, to that point when I can’t move forward and do things. I doubt myself, and I deprive myself of things, and it just gets harder and harder each day.

I get that I shouldn’t be this whiny, and that I have to keep it together. But I really can’t, you see? I know I’m always messing things up and losing streak and just plain old disappointing. But I can’t help it really. It’s occurred to me that my stigma of the world was that it should be ideal, when in fact that is one of the hardest things to ask for in this world. I ask for the arts, for literature, for freedom. I ask for theory in praxis, I ask for all this little things that are underrated, and yet the world doesn’t give a shit, and that brings me down. I ask for good love on most nights, and that gets me upset. I ask for simple solitude, for a little quiet, for a little piece of heaven — and then all I get are little pages of books that tell me, “Yes there is, but it is not here.” ”Yes there is, but it isn’t that easy.” ”Yes there is, but for now you have to make do with what you have.” ”Yes there is, but it’s not meant for you.”

I don’t want to keep trying anymore, because I see people who have it easier  than I do. And it irks me, and it just disappoints me, and it upsets the living shit out of me. Why can’t I catch a break, really?