Shit just got real ver. 3
Reading gay literature on Sunday dawn isn’t quite how I pictured by long weekend. But I love what I’m doing, and I’ve committed myself in doing this work that I love doing, and I’ve grown tired and weak from all this loving and working — but never have I pictured in my head that I would be quitting, and throwing all of these hard painful labor of love away.
Look. The way I see it, the only way to get shit done is to actually love the shit and be one with it so that you can work on it and work day and night with it. That’s commitment, that’s what you’ve signed up for the moment you write your name on an application form, that commitment changes the course of your entire life no matter how long that could be.
The way I see it, you don’t leave your kumpadres out in the water because they signed up for this as well, and not one moment (I hope) in their discernment did they see a kumpare leaving them up above in thin air. No. You do not do that. You do not abandon ship in times when you want to poo and shit and just hurl everything that’s been badly fed to you. You do not abandon ship because you think that it’s brave to do so. You are being selfish, not heroic. You are doing the sea of disappointment a favor, and you’re only hurting those who have believed that you can make it. Fighting for what you think is right is not about winning over whatever shit loads of crap you have in front of you. Fighting a battle is doing what’s right for those who have been behind you after all your crazy. The way I see it, you don’t quit on your men on the moments when they have been hoping for you to make it through. It’s hard as rockshit hard, but damn you they fucking deserve it, you know that? Alam mo yung pride? Alam mo yung sakripisyo? Alam mo hindi kasi nadadaan sa teorya ang mga ganitong bagay e. Hindi kasi ito textbook material na nahahanapan mo ng source sa internet, o nakakasuhan mo ng krimen o civil offense dahil nagipit ka at gusto mo ng katarungan.
Ang pagtataya raw, isang misyon. At ang isang misyon, isa ring pagtataya. Reading gay literature on Sunday dawn isn’t quite how I pictured a colorful life. Writing this entry wasn’t quite a walk in the park either, because I’m practically in a field on open fire — pero alam mo, alam kong worth it ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Sa kabila ng shit, ng stress, ng pagod at ng hirap, alam kong makakayanan ko to at ng kasapian dahil dala namin ang isa’t isa. (See also: Paragraph 2). At sa tingin ko doon tayo nagkaiba.
