A couple of times have I been asked the most hard-hitting questions. It’s always the why’s and the how’s that are difficult to live up to, because somewhere in yourself you know that you have to do it, even if you’re only thinking about it just now, or have been ever since. It’s always the who’s that make you think who really matter right now; the what’s that make you count your blessings and mishaps. It’s the when’s that make you recount of all the good and bad shit you’ve been through, taking up all your will power to remember and forget.
But it’s always the why’s and how’s. Oftentimes, it’s the why not’s that changes the game. It’s the how about’s, as well. The what if’s are painful to hear, to bear because of their alternate baggage. They are game changers, these little two-worded questions.
A sudden turn of events, and you. Thinking on your feet. Your explanation could lead to an end, or just a pithole to another question. A never-ending flowchart, a pitless well of fury and uncertainty. Just you and these questions.
Some of these questions I got from way back in high school:
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? What school? Why that school? What do you really want to be?
And now that I think about it, everything was so superficial. Just the where’s and the what’s, a couple of why’s. It was all about recognition: how have I seen this played out in movies? If I were a character in a book, how would my reader want me to react to this situation? It’s a classic, a person playing God. But it doesn’t work all the time.
But I guess majority of the big questions, I think, would come from my years in college. Damn have I made the biggest yes’s and no’s of my life, and damn have I been asked the questions that really got me thinking if these were trick questions or chapter titles of the book I’m a character in. Somewhere in my head there’s a little man screaming to just tear the page and move on with it.
Will you make a run for it? Why? Why not? Is that really what you want? Is that really what you’re going for? Are you really up for something that’s bigger than you? Are you sure? Are you making all of this up? What drives you? Who do you look up to? When do you want to get married? Who is the love of your life right now? Do you believe in God? How much do you love your career and your studies? Are you still up for it?
…And then my consultation would end, my counselor telling me that it’s okay to be scared. That he’d be more worried if I wasn’t at all afraid of what’s about to come. “It means that you’re thinking about it,” he says. “It means that you’re preparing yourself for something unknown to you, and yet willingly facing it. You’re afraid because you know it’s important. And it’s good that you know that.”
And I think he has no idea that there is, again, a little man in my head, screaming and screaming and just screaming, because he knows what to do but an invisible chain is dragging him down to another pithole, another question, another what if, another trick, another book, into another yes or no, into another decision, into another story.
And I guess it is a pitless well. It is an endless questioning.
Hey little man, it’s good that you’re moving from one place to another. It’s a relief to hear you screaming. Know that I’m moving forward for you, little man.
You little man, shaped like a fist — red and alive and pumping.
Hang in there.
